Thoughts on Parenting "methods"

So lately I have had all of these thoughts running through my head and I just need to write them out. I don't know if people actually read my blog, but if you do and you don't have kids, this may sound like a lot of gibberish to you. At least to me it would have been before I became a mom.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. And I always knew how I wanted to raise my kids. I grew up with not a lot of confidence. So I always knew I wanted my children to feel good about themselves, to be strong and confident but also loving towards others. I know from my own experience that if you don't love yourself it can be difficult for you to love others.

I also knew I wanted Noah and I to be on some type of routine. My sister had always told me how important it was and how much easier it made your day and I always agreed. She told me about the book called The Baby Whisperer. She said in the book it explains that you should have them on the "E.A.S.Y." routine which stands for Eat, Activity, Sleep, You time. Basically you should try to keep them awake after they eat, that is their play time and then let them sleep. It made sense to me. So when Noah was born, even though I wasn't on any type of schedule or anything with him yet I tried to at least do that as a start. But he was very sleepy the first few weeks and it was very rare that I could keep him awake even for 5 minutes after he ate. He would be too sleepy to even want to eat! But I kept trying.

We were doing what the people at the hospital had told us to do, feed him on demand but don't let him go past 3 hours during the day to eat and 4 hours at night. I felt like it was too early to start him on any type of routine because things were a little chaotic and my goal at that point was just to get the hang of breastfeeding, that was my main focus - to make sure he was actually eating!

After a few weeks, once things started to slow down a bit, Noah actually started getting on his own routine. He still had a hard time staying awake after he ate, but he was becoming more predictable. He would wake up to eat in the night at pretty much the exact same 2 times and wake up in the morning around the same time.

I started reading the book, On Becoming Babywise when Noah was about 5 weeks old. One of Derek's co-workers gave us the books as a gift. When reading this, I learned about several different parenting methods that I had never heard of. Some things sounded familiar but I had no idea there were all of these different theories and methods with actual names. I should note this was the first parenting book I read.

This book made sense to me. I felt like I was pretty much already doing what it was suggesting to do. I was already feeding Noah on average every 2.5 - 3 hours unless he would show hunger signs earlier than that. I agreed that you don't need to feed your baby every time he cries. Crying does not always mean hunger.. it could mean they have a dirty diaper, they are tired, they are uncomfortable, they have gas/reflux, they want to be held etc. The book was basically saying you should not go solely by the clock (strict scheduling) but not solely by baby's demand either (they referred to this as attachment parenting). Rather use your own judgement as a parent.. look at the clock, did they just eat 30 minutes ago? Perhaps there is something else making them cry. Read their signals.. are they rooting around? Instead of ALWAYS giving them the breast or bottle whenever they fuss, evaluate the situation and go from there. If I only went off of what Noah "demanded" then sometimes I'm sure he would have gone more than 4 or 5 hours without eating because he would be sleeping. If he was only eating every 4 or 5 hours during the day he wouldn't be getting enough calories. To me, this made sense and as I said, I felt like this is what I was basically doing already.

I agreed with mostly everything in Babywise. I didn't want Noah to be insecure and attached. I wanted him to be able to self soothe. I didn't want to drive myself crazy by snack feeding him every hour and eventually give up breastfeeding because it was too hard and too demanding. The most common reason  mother's give it up is because of exhaustion.

I could go on and on about everything that made sense to me in this book. There were some things however that I didn't 100% agree with but for the most part, I felt good about it. So I continued on with doing this, and when he was almost 7 weeks old I started sleep training him. And just like the book said, it only took him 3 days to sleep through the night. I was so happy! I couldn't believe he was consistently sleeping 7 hours straight at only 7 weeks old.

He had already put himself into a pretty good schedule, so things were going really well. The best part was that I was getting sleep! I was so much more rested, which made things SO much easier. Noah was happy and alert during his wake times, and napping well several times a day. Once in a while if he was awake for too long he would cry for 5-15 minutes before falling asleep but I knew it was just because he was over-tired. The American Academy of Pediatrics says it's okay for your baby to cry for a little bit before falling asleep. Some babies just need to release some energy to wind down. But 90% of the time, he would go to sleep on his own without crying anyways. I was happy with the way things were.

I found this blog, www.babywisemom.com which was really helpful. She is awesome! She has so many posts about everything. She follows Babywise but she also talks highly about the Baby Whisperer books. I wanted to read that book too so a few weeks ago I ordered, The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems. I started reading bits and pieces from it and the author said she is strongly against letting your baby cry. She said if you let your baby cry he will not trust you. This made me feel a little worried. I thought about Noah and found myself wondering if this was the case with him.

What the baby whisperer suggested instead was to put your baby down to sleep and if he cried then you do the "Pick Up, Put Down" technique. This is where you try to comfort them with words and touch and if they don't stop crying you pick them up and as soon as they stop crying you put them right back down. And you keep doing this over and over again until your baby calms down or falls asleep even if it takes their whole nap time.

My mom had just moved in with us and she always wanted to rock Noah to sleep or for me to nurse him to sleep if he cried when I put him down. Those were big no-no's for me. The only times I have ever done that is if he absolutely cannot fall asleep, like at church, or if he was awake for 5 hours and is way over tired or in other desperate situations. But I always tried really hard to avoid doing that because I wanted him to be able to sleep on his own without the need of rocking or being nursed to sleep.

But it seemed like ever since my mom moved in I was being more lenient on my own rules. A couple weeks ago he started getting more fussy for his naps. I am thinking he's going through some "wonder weeks" as some people call it. Apparently around 18-20 weeks many babies go through this. I let her rock him to sleep out of desperation a couple times and found myself nursing him to sleep a couple times also. And every time I would lay him down he would wake up and start crying again and then I remembered "Oh yeah, this is why I decided not to do this every day". I felt like he was getting worse. I decided to try the "Pick up/Put down" technique. I tried it over and over and just felt like it was not helping, and actually making it harder for him to fall asleep. How can he fall asleep if I keep picking him up and putting him down over and over again? I felt like that was just confusing and frustrating him. I felt stressed out. Every time he would cry I would feel like I was abandoning him and the bad thoughts of him not trusting me kept running through my head, but I didn't know what else to do.

I realized I had not really researched anything about letting your baby cry, or the "cry it out" method, or anything about attachment parenting. All I did was read Babywise, and decided it was for us. So I spent the whole day trying to find answers online, reading different studies, blogs, news articles etc. I didn't find anything that was significantly helpful. One study showed that babies will have a lower IQ if parents do not respond to their cries. Another study showed there was no significant difference in emotional health, or bonding when they compared babies who were sleep trained to babies who were not. Some studies and "experts" said it was best to allow your baby to self soothe. There were TOO MANY opinions and it quickly became very overwhelming!

When Derek came home that day I just broke down crying. I felt lost. I didn't know what to believe or what to do. I felt like I was starting over. Did Noah not trust me now? Did I make a huge mistake? Should we have not let him cry those 3 nights to sleep train him? Derek thought I was looking into this too much. He said that he knows Noah is going to be just fine and we should keep doing what we had originally been doing. The thing that is hard for me is that I don't want Noah to just be "fine", I want him to be amazing! And I know that's not what Derek meant, but that's how I feel. I know I can't be a perfect mom and I'm going to make mistakes but I want to do what's going to benefit him most in the future.

I prayed for guidance and peace. I thought about all of these things for days. I have an addicting personality you could say, so I obsess over these things until it consumes my every thought. I came to the conclusion that no baby is the exact same and also no parent is the same. I decided that I'm just going to do what I FEEL is best for my son each day. I'm not going to dwell on different parenting theories and feel like I have to stick to only one method. I know my son and myself better than anyone else and if I feel like I need to do something for his own benefit but it doesn't go along with the parenting method, I'm not going to obsess over it. If I feel like I need to comfort him I'm going to do it, if I feel like it's best to just give him a few minutes to cool down I'm going to do it.

I'm not going to care about others judging me for how I choose to raise my kids. Not everyone is able to do everything the same. What if a mom really wanted to do attachment parenting but worked full time, does that mean her baby is not going to trust her because she's not around for most of the day? What if someone has post-pardom depression and exhaustion is making it worse and she's having thoughts about hurting herself or her baby.. and maybe it's best to do sleep training for a few days so her and her baby can have a good night's sleep. Does that mean because her baby was left to cry it out for 3 days that for the rest of that babies life she isn't going to trust her mom? Even though sleep has made her mom a much better and loving parent? What if a mom wanted to do attachment parenting but is too afraid to sleep with their baby in fear of crushing the baby? What if a mom can't breastfeed due to health issues?

There are so many factors and different situations. I'm sure many moms actually enjoy rocking and nursing their baby to sleep until he is 4 years old, good for them. If it works for them, then that's great. Like MY mom. She co-slept with all of her babies and nursed my brother until he was over 3! And my brother ended up sleeping in the same room as my mom until he was 12 years old! My brother is confident now but he wasn't at all growing up. And did I have a feeling of emotional attachment to my mom from this? No. Like I mentioned before, I didn't feel very secure growing up either. Because there are so many other things that take place in a child's life that affects this. Yes, the first few years are very crucial but it's not just whether you breastfeed or not or if you co-sleep or not. I'm sure many babies feel a very close bond with their mothers because they did attachment parenting, but it doesn't always work that way.

These are my thoughts and I just needed to let them out. If you don't like them, I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend anyone. Just after reading so many things online about different parenting theories it just seemed like people are so quick to judge when it comes to parenting. I feel like I want to teach my kids everything in the way the Lord would teach them. He doesn't always give us what we want because he knows what is best for our future. Sometimes we have trials to overcome but they make us stronger and we learn from them.

My goals: To be a loving and caring parent. To teach them about the gospel of Jesus Christ. To help my kids feel good about themselves. To teach them good habits including good sleep habits.

" M. Russell Ballard: There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be 'full-time moms,' at least during the most formative years of their children's lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part- or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.

Thomas S. Monson: Being a mother has never been an easy role. Some of the oldest writings in the world admonish us not to forsake the law of our mother, instruct us that a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother, and warn us not to ignore our mother when she is old.

The scriptures also remind us that what we learn from our mothers comprises our very core values."